Heidi Fiedler Dreams of Chaos
A writer and creative coach on the magic (and challenge) of not knowing what's next.
Dreams of Chaos is a series of Q&As with folks about how they engage with chaos in their work. Maybe they love the chaos and use it as an engine for creativity. Maybe they struggle with the indefinite and are trying to wrangle it however they can. I’m interested in the ways people acknowledge the messiness of living in the world, and I’m excited to share these conversations with others who have this messiness on their minds.
It was true happenstance that brought me to the work of
. I was looking for some new writer-friends on Substack, and chance (or an algorithm) brought me a note she’d written looking for folks to participate in her Mothers Who Make series, where she’s collecting the perspective of creatives who identify as mothers.It’s a very rich series, and a very generous one. There’s power in reading the words of mothers who differ in backgrounds and beliefs, in creative practices and media, in geographical location. In a fractious world, Heidi is looking to create a space defined by solidarity. It’s a beautiful thing.
Heidi’s own writing is also a thing of beauty: vulnerable, open, sometimes funny, sometimes teary, always written with a clarity of purpose. She wrote a piece about preparing for a doctor’s visit with her son that felt as though it was aimed directly at my heart and mind. Her “Summer Guide for Creative Mothers” is a gift — equal parts self-compassion and practical advice. Her children’s books are all on my TBR with my kids list — particularly the Know Nonsense Guide to Space. (Will it make the incessant questions about asteroids cease? One can hope!)
I launched this Substack last spring, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I couldn’t have imagined how generative this platform would be for me. It’s been a true wellspring of inspiration, and I think that has a lot to do with the proliferation of fantastic publications I’ve found here.
(Of course, some of those left in the wake of recent revelations about how Substack founders feel about hosting literal Nazis on this platform. Which I have feelings about, and which
described pretty perfectly in this piece).Nonetheless, this place continues to be home to some incredible thinkers and voices who inspire me every day. My biggest woe is my inability to read all the newsletters I subscribe to. And one of the voices I’m most grateful to have happened upon belongs to Heidi. I’m so glad to be able to share her wise and wonderful words with you all.
How would you describe yourself and the work you do?
I’m a writer, editor, and creative coach. I’m known for being warm and encouraging. I’ve worked on hundreds of children’s books for clients like Chronicle Books and Bravery Magazine. I’m a developmental editor, so I’m a big-picture kind of thinker, and I help turn ideas into books. I specialize in picture books, chapter books, and nonfiction for kids. I offer manuscript critiques, coaching, and classes. I also have a newsletter here on Substack, and I have a book out on submission about making space for creativity in motherhood. I live with my husband, mom, and six-year-old son in Massachusetts, and most days life feels like a LOT. Hopefully we get to laugh and hug along the way.
What gets you up in the morning?
I’m naturally a morning person, so this used to be easy for me. But we struggle with sleep in our family, and I often wake up tired and sad, feeling overwhelmed at the relentlessness of our responsibilities. On a practical level, I get up to help my son go to the bathroom and eat breakfast. That will not wait. It also helps when I have a creative project that’s all mine, something I know I can work on or tinker with later that day. But sometimes when I can’t think of anything that makes me want to get out of bed, I think about what I’m going to wear that day and imagine picking out my jewelry. It’s a tiny act of creativity and personal expression that I can do in bed, and it usually makes me feel a little better.
What’s something surprising you’ve done or learned that’s changed how you show up in the world?
Like many of us, I was taught that I needed to be disciplined to be successful in life. I interpreted that to mean pushing through even when I was tired, setting goals, and meeting them. I got really good at that, and it brought me success. But it also brought burn out and existential angst. I still do a lot of things I don’t want to do. I don’t know any way around that. But I don’t bring that energy to the things I don’t have to do. I get to write. I get to paint. I get to take walks. I get to read. I’m not going to turn those joys into shoulds. And I’ve actually found that when I let those things be easy and fun, I do them more often and it makes it easier for me to keep going when life gets hard.
What’s something you wish you could engage in more? Why?
I miss the days of wandering the stacks in the college library, reading a journal article, and discovering a field of study I’ve never even heard of. I wish I could spend my days reading and taking notes, just seeing what connections my brain makes, asking more questions, and diving back in to learn more. Lately I’ve been interested in fairy tales, and they’re so rich with possibility, it’s like learning about gardening or painting. You can always keep going.
Here at the Chaos Palace, we’re exploring how inviting messiness into our lives can be a vehicle for curiosity and creativity. How does chaos inform what you do, if at all?
We often think of chaos as interference, a kind of friction between me and my goal. Sometimes my life is visibly chaotic, when there are a million gears scattered on the floor and one project has been abandoned for another. Other times it’s less obvious, but it feels chaotic when schedules change, someone gets sick, or we forget to return a library book. I don’t love those moments. I want my life to be calm and pretty. But I also see chaos as proof of life. Without it, we would be frozen in orderly lines, supposedly perfect but dead.
One of the things that makes me bristle the most is the social pressure to act like you’re in control of your life. I feel it with parenting, work, health, so many things. I certainly understand the impulse to want to set a course and get to where you want to go, but underneath that I believe the universe is vast and complex, we’re all floating through space together, and everyone is doing the best they can. We can reflect, grow wise, and try to live in a way that reflects our values, but there’s so much we can’t control, and trying to act like we can is crazy making.
There’s magic in not knowing what’s next. We need chaos to swirl our lives together and help us make new connections, tap into fresh energy, and keep growing. Chaos can be a force for good, and while I wish my house didn’t need constant tidying, I welcome chaos when it means my life includes fun surprises and creative energy.
When does messiness feel like it’s too much? What do you do to rein it in when necessary?
Please don’t picture me walking around the house, discovering messes, zenly nodding and saying, “I feel so alive!” Our son can make truly staggering messes. Even on a good day, I’m constantly putting the pillows back on the house, making the beds, doing the dishes, and whatever else is in front of me. I find visual clutter distracting and draining. And despite what I said above, I often cry when our plans our disrupted. I’ve had to dip into my reserves so much in motherhood, that I’m more fragile around these smaller chaotic moments than I used to be. I try to just accept that and not be too hard on myself about it. It makes sense that when so much is out of my control, and it feels impossible to finish a simple task like washing the dishes, that I would need more predictability and calm in my life. I try to give it to myself where I can. I don’t wait for someone else to clean up (one day!), I just do it myself. I make my schedule as predictable as possible within the hours that I have some autonomy over (walk in the morning, watch a favorite show at night, listen to my daily podcast, eat and drink the same things). I’m also a big fan of doing brain dumps. When I’m really feeling overwhelmed, I write every single thing down and then start organizing my worries and tasks into lists and making a plan. Humans aren’t well suited to chaos. At least I’m not. But it also can’t be order and control all the time either. When I’m rested and feeling up to living, I try to let each force come and go without resistance or angst.
Heidi Fiedler is a writer, editor, and creative coach. She has worked on hundreds of titles for clients like Chronicle Books and Bravery Magazine. She helps writers find ease and joy in the creative process with writing classes, manuscript reviews, and coaching. She’s also working on her own book about making space for creativity in motherhood and interviewing 100 creative mothers for her Substack Nebula Notebook. Learn more at helloheidifiedler.com or say hello @heidifiedler on Instagram.