Last Week: Bad Brain Days
Sometimes the ol' noggin is on the fritz. Plus, some stuff to read about Israel-Palestine.
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Dear ones,
This email should have gone out on Friday. Then, once it became clear Friday wouldn’t happen, I swore it’d be out on Saturday. Alas, that didn’t happen either. Sunday… was even messier than Saturday. So, here I am on Monday morning, sending an update about being sabotaged by my own brain. Plus some other thoughts.
There are probably a lot of reasons I was more scattered than usual this weekend. For example, research has shown a strong correlation between the menstrual cycle and heightened symptoms of ADHD. In other words, when Aunt Flo is in town she also brings the gift of sensory distress and absent-mindedness). The day before my period, I tend to feel triggered by the experience of having skin, which is to say that anything touching my body (including air) makes me uncomfortable and cranky. Plus, I was sick last week, which always makes me less focused.
So, I had a series of what I like to refer to as Bad Brain Days. To clarify, these are not days on which my brain is bad, they’re days on which the world and my brain don’t get along. My brain wants to hide in a dark room and rest, but life does not stop on Bad Brain Days. One must work, and be patient (insofar as possible) and do things like fold laundry. As a result, the things get done — sort of — but not very well.
For example, I did teach the music classes I’d had scheduled for Sunday morning. But I forgot my sneakers on the roof of the car and had to watch them bounce down I-95 and then realized I prepared the wrong songs to teach when I was already standing in front of the classroom.
Or, I did make it to the playground with my wife and the kids on Saturday, but I also dropped my phone and smashed the screen for the second time in six months.
Memory is a huge problem on Bad Brain Days — nothing gets retained and I’m constantly walking around lost and anxious. And my whole sense of time is skewed. On regular(ish) days I can force myself to fit into what I assume neurotypical folks experience as The Passage of Time. That is to say, I sort of know what you mean when you say something will take five minutes. On Bad Brain Days, five minutes is just a collection of syllables.
As I am wont to do on Bad Brain Days, I spent a good chunk of the weekend feeling bad about myself. But not as bad as I once would have. In fact, I was kind of delighted to discover that the voice in my head in charge of bullying all the rest of my psyche had a lot less power. Am I… actually learning something this time around?
Of course, my brain is not the only one in the house. Big Kid’s brain, for example, has been doing a little better. he’s been having less nightmares and meltdowns. My wife and I had a pretty crucial realization last week in regards to Big Kid: Our very articulate four-year-old loses his words when his sensory system is overloaded. He may be able to say something is “absolutely delicious,” adding, “shall we eat?” when the mood is fine. When he’s frustrated and angry, though, he’s a bear. Growling. Baring teeth. He’s in fight-flight-freeze, deep in his animal brain. It’s our job to bring him back. Or, better yet, to give him the language so he knows what to say and doesn’t have to search for the words when his brain is going haywire.
Every morning, my wonderful wife has been practicing little phrases with Big Kid. When someone doesn’t give you a toy, you can ask to play with it soon. If someone doesn’t want to play with you, ask to play a bit later. When you feel yourself getting angry, walk away and find a grown-up. Ask for help. Say you need help.
Why on earth do we assume everyone understands how to let their emotions flow through them? It’s interesting that, as a society, we think this skill is innate. And that we should always know how to do it on our own. I believe the opposite is true. We can be more intentional about how we teach emotional literacy to our children. We can be explicit about informing them that it’s ok, even recommended, to ask for guidance when feelings are overwhelming.
Practicing these phrases and tactics daily has been a game changer. On several occasions, Big Kid has gotten frustrated with Baby and walked away to find my wife or I. He has less tantrums. He’s able to play better with friends. We, as a family, are exhaling a teeny tiny bit.
Meanwhile, Baby’s brain had a huge leap this week. She’s walking! Well, still cruising and holding on to things, but those little legs are step-step-stepping around the house. And she could not be more pleased with herself if she tried. It’s as though she discovered a whole new dimension of the world (because that is, essentially, what happened) and can’t believe how wondrous things are just a foot more off the ground.
As for my wife, her brain is doing as well as ever. She wrote a beautiful song for National Geographic last week. We’re working on tracks for our upcoming Jewish meditation album (working title KAVANA). And she had a hard conversation with a friend about everything going on back home. Those conversations are so incredibly hard and I admire her no end for not closing herself off, instead choosing to step into complexity and grow through the discomfort.
On Saturday evening I was sitting on Big Kid’s bed. We’d just finished reading a book and he was snuggled down in his blanket, head on my knees, getting ready to sleep. He saw my broken phone and asked what had happened. “Oh,” I said, “I just dropped it on the floor and it smashed.” “Why?” he asked. “It’s something that happens all the time,” I answered, “You know, I’m pretty clumsy. But that’s ok. It’s part of what makes me me, and I like being me.” He didn’t say anything after that. Just fluttered his sweet eyelids and fell asleep. I stayed there for a while longer, my hand on his heart, his sweet breath making his chest rise and fall.
I wasn’t even lying, you know? I actually do like being me — even the messy bits — and that feels new and important. Writing the Chaos Palace, hearing from folks who lean into the messy as a way of being and working, exploring how Chaos shows up in the world — it’s changing how I think and feel about myself and how I am who I am. So, yeah, I break things all the time. I’m constantly losing my wallet, and phone, and keys, and sunglasses, and anything else that isn’t tied down. I will always be late to everything. I walk into walls and doors. But maybe that’s just part of my charm.
Wishing you a week of gorgeous messiness.
Love you all,
Mikhal
What I’ve been thinking about
I usually have book, essay and listening recommendations here, but I want to try something a little different. I’m dedicated to bringing you all interesting thoughts about what’s going on in Israel-Palestine, pieces that do not necessarily agree with each other but that, when superimposed on one another, provide a complex picture of the fighting and everything around it. I’ve read a lot and have not found one single thing that felt as though it was completely well-rounded or didn’t equivocate about why one side’s pain isn’t actually all that bad. But I read a lot of things that were beautifully written and got pretty close. To that end, here is a non-comprehensive collection of things to read and listen to that may bring us closer to growing through discomfort towards a fuller understanding:
wrote a stunner of an essay about (among other things here) how many liberals around the world are so quick to condemn Hamas’ heinous actions on October 7th that they don’t notice they’re actually aligning themselves with arguably the worst government in Israeli history. This is an important point of view, and Joseph is an absolute artist with words (you should also preorder his book of poetry here!). One important caveat is that this point of view doesn’t entirely match what I am hearing from a lot (a lot) of folks both here and in Israel who are furious about what Netanyahu and his horrifying government are doing, ostensibly in their names. My parents attended a rally and described the atmosphere of rage about the government as palpable. One of my best friends, who lives in Haifa, told me in no uncertain terms that what is happening in Gaza is not in her name and she wishes the whole government would take a hike. According to recent polling, 76% of Israelis agree with her. Nonetheless, I recommend reading this essay very much!David Remnick wrote a long and beautiful piece called “In the Middle East, Despair is Not an Option,” which is a nuanced take on the situation from someone who has been writing about Israel for a long time. It’s sad, and hopeful, and takes the arc of history into account. Remnick also went to the region and spoke to folks on the ground for this piece, which I greatly appreciate. However, he was not able to speak to folks in Gaza due to the heaviness of the fighting in the region, so that particular point of view is lacking. And that’s pretty important! So, this is also absolutely worth a read but comes with an important caveat.
Lastly, two podcasts that exemplify, for me, how skewed the media landscape is and how listening to one side of things will really mess with your head.
Unholy: Two Jews on the News talked about how Israel is losing the social media war.
Today Explained from Vox Media talked about how Palestinians are losing the social media war.
Both of them are probably correct! But honestly, the only people benefitting from the outrage on social media are the social media companies who love it when we can’t log off. Rage is in. Reliable information is out. I recommend logging off and being very careful about what you believe.
…and one more podcast, for good measure. The Daily from The New York Times talked to doctors in Gaza about the dire situation at hospital. It’s beyond difficult to listen to, but it’s important to hear the voices of the people in harm’s way. Growing through discomfort. It’s the only way.
Some organizations to donate to:
“We envision a society that serves all of us. A just and equal society that treats every person with dignity. A society that chooses peace, justice, and independence for Israelis and Palestinians – Jews and Arabs. A society in which we all enjoy real security, adequate housing, quality education, good healthcare, a liveable climate, a decent salary, and the ability to age with dignity. Such a society is possible – we’re already building it.”
“B’Tselem – The Israeli Information Center for Human Rights in the Occupied Territories strives for a future in which human rights, liberty and equality are guaranteed to all people, Palestinian and Jewish alike, living between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean Sea. Such a future will only be possible when the Israeli occupation and apartheid regime end. That is the future we are working towards. B’Tselem (in Hebrew literally: in the image of), the name chosen for the organization by the late Member of Knesset Yossi Sarid, is an allusion to Genesis 1:27: “And God created humankind in His image. In the image of God did He create them.” The name expresses the universal and Jewish moral edict to respect and uphold the human rights of all people.”
Palestine Children’s Relief Fund
“Palestine Children's Relief Fund (PCRF), founded in 1991 by concerned humanitarians in the USA, provides free medical care to thousands of injured and ill children yearly who lack local access to care within the local health care system. Over the years, we've sent over 2,000 affected children abroad for free medical care, sent thousands of international doctors and nurses to provide tens of thousands of children free medical care in local hospitals, and provided tens of thousands of children humanitarian aid and support they otherwise would not get. “
Leket: Providing Meals to Displaced Israelis
For Homebound Individuals and Seniors: Leket will purchase 320,000 cooked meals . These meals will be delivered to recipients directly or through local NPOs.
For Families: Leket will purchase essential supplies, including food, diapers, formula, and more, from local grocery stores in the South. These supplies will be distributed by local NPOs in the South, supporting both families in need and local business owners.
Leket will provide financial assistance through magnetic cards, to help individuals affected by the war. This program aims to assist those whose income has been impacted or who lack access to their consistent sources of aid.