On this night I am Tree
On the magic of radical presence
Dear fam,
Two nights ago I was in over my head. The girls were arguing about… honestly, who knows? Something inconsequential. They’ve been bickering a lot lately about nothing at all (each more stubborn than the other), digging in on issues like whether the Cheerio is heart-shaped or circular.
My wife was out for an hour or so at a community event. Toddler was running a low-grade fever. Big Kid decided she urgently needed to bake cupcakes. My phone was dinging with Slack notifications — edits and tweaks needed on work stuff.
Why are Mondays like this? And other days, too?
Eventually, the day ended (they all do) with two sleeping kids in two beds. Deep breaths in the sweet darkness.
Stepping out into the blinking bright hall, I felt my chest tight. I knew, deep molecular knowing, that I needed to be outside. Desperately. To walk, to breath, to disconnect from the day and reconnect to my body-mind-soul. But it was pouring down rain. Lightning and thunder. Deluge. Rivers in the streets.
I went anyway.
For the next almost hour I splashed and sploshed and breathed in the rain-clean air. I listened to an whole album from beginning to end (this one). I danced in the streets. I stopped trying to focus my ADHD brain, instead letting my sticky psychology grab onto every last sensory input. You know, I spend so much of the everyday trying to squeeze my ADHD brain through the playdough fun factory of the neurotypical world. It feels like this:
Monday night, for an hour, I let the playdough soften, until any space between me and the universe was… incidental. It felt glorious. Every one of my cells was alive.
This is the poem I wrote about it.
Wishing you a week of connection.
Love always,
Mikhal
Hey there! Welcome to the Chaos Palace is a space uplifting ADHD, queerness, Judaism, and how to find opportunities for growth & creativity in the messiness of life.
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I really enjoy all the sounds that this poem makes! Feels very alive and fresh, quite visceral.