And then she was six.

Through the looking glass, and glad about it.

Jul 16, 2025

Dear fam,

Today, my first baby completed her sixth revolution round the sun. Six years ago, I was in a hospital bed with an epidural in my back and a baby about to emerge, screaming, into the world. I was certain this was the most difficult and intense thing I'd ever do; surely nothing could be harder or more painful than these endless hours of riptide contractions, right? Nothing more visceral than these growls, shrieks, otherworldly sounds that didn't sound like anything I knew I could voice?

I didn't know I was about to step, blinking in the blinding light, into a technicolor wonderland. Like Alice, I would soon discover that, on this side of the looking glass, everyone is mad. Me included.

Also like Alice, I would encounter a host of strange and wonderful companions, guides, perplexing puzzles, infuriating moments, rivers of tears that threaten to wash me away, and whimsical grinning pals who offer encouragement when I least expect it.

I'm belabouring this metaphor. But the truth is, parenthood often feels like being through the looking glass. You can see your life as it was, everything and everyone just beyond reach, but you cannot touch them. They can't hear you, not really. Instead you're in a world that seems illogical -- but it isn't. It's just that you have to puzzle out the logic in the madness.

At first, I wanted desperately to get back to the before times. To my before self. Now? You could offer me anything at all and I wouldn't take it. This nonsensical, crazy, wonderful madness is exactly where I want to be.

A moment ago, I sat on Toddler's bed and explained why she is not allowed to kick my wife, even though she's very unhappy about having to go to sleep. An hour or so ago, I sat with Big Kid in the bathroom and read facts about colossal squid. This afternoon, we all went to get ice cream and then adventured down a creek bed in a local park looking for water left from yesterday's storm.

Six years ago I had not yet met either of my children. That seems unfathomable to me now. How could I have lived without wild emotions, ice cream afternoons, and ocean facts?

My life now, wild and chaotic though it may be, is more vibrant than I knew possible. I will never stop being grateful to these magical fairy children for making me a mama.

I hope wherever you are, there's a bit of magic and craziness (the “makes-me-more-alive” kind), in your days.

Love,

Mikhal

Welcome to the Chaos Palace is where I write about being a parent with ADHD to a kid with ADHD. I also write about queerness, Judaism, otherness, creativity, and how they intersect. Oh, and poems sometimes. If you want to tap the little heart or share this with a pal, I'd be honored. Thanks!