Breaking! We had a Good Day™.
Because it's important to share the good stuff, too.
Hey fam,
If you’d have asked me a week ago about our emotional survival odds for this week, I would have told you the outlook was dim. This is the last week of August, a time during which parents claw their way to the finish line of the summer season. Nary a daycare or a summer camp to be found — just kids loosely lolling around the house and parents or caregivers attempting to show up at Zoom meetings or (gasp!) actually go to work.
Or, since our Big Kid doesn’t understand the concept of lolling, climbing everything in sight whether or not it’s anchored to the wall1.
This morning she said to me, “I’m not a person, I’m a monkey, because if I see something I just go climb it!” A testament to her excellent self-awareness, no?
Anyways, all this is to say I fully expected to be losing my mind by now.
Surprise! The opposite is happening, and I do understand that by writing these words I am probably jinxing it. Nonetheless, I know there are Chaos Palace readers out there who are also parents of neurospicy kids. And even if there weren’t — the good stuff bears sharing as well, alongside some thoughts about why things might be looking up.
First, let’s define “Good Days.”
For all families, this will be different. When I say it was a Good Day, though, I mean we all successfully moved through our feelings without anyone getting hurt. In our house, there are no days without Big Feelings (for more on that, read this post about being safe with your anger). There are, however, days when we are able to handle them.
A Good Day is when we argue less and give each other more latitude. More compassion, less judging. More inquiry and less assumptions. More breathing, less screaming.
A Good Day is a freaking relief.
I expected this week to be a lot harder on Big Kid and, therefore, on us. After all, we’d have no routine or anchors with which to help her mind stay grounded. As if to remind my wife and I that we actually have no ability to foresee anything, it’s been surprisingly calm.
I mean, sure — she literally just threw some stuff at her babysitter. She had a full screaming meltdown this morning, during which she hit me for no discernible reason. The point is not that these things should cease to occur, the point is for us to move through (not past!) them.
Sometimes, Big Kid can seem to get stuck in these emotional loops, churning and churning and churning. A moment ago, when she was throwing things at our 16-year-old neighbor? We were able to help her regroup, apologize, and head to the playground in under 15 minutes.
So, what’s different this week?
Truthfully? I’m sure a lot of it has to do with things I don’t understand, like brain chemistry or neurological development. Still, I can offer an educated guess about some of the things at play.
She’s not going to summer camp this week. We enrolled Big Kid in a summer camp run by one of the school she attending during the past year. While the folks there were very lovely and well-meaning, my wife and I have come to believe they don’t actually get her on a very fundamental level. As a result, she was wildly spiraling every day for two weeks — often resulting in early pickup and hours spent regrouping. Alas, there was no real choice but to continue attending for the two weeks she was enrolled — we have jobs! — but this constant struggle caused a great deal of strife in our home. I can’t tell you enough how great it is not to have to have another conversation with a teacher about how disruptive my child is being. I get it. You don’t know what to do. It’s especially relieving to see how relieved Big Kid is at not having to attend this summer camp! Her stress levels are lower —> our stress levels are lower —> everyone is able to metabolize their emotions better.
We changed our language choices. Here, I must shout out a recurring character in the newsletter — my Bestie from Another Nestie. This lady is my ride-or-die and has been since 8th grade, when we were still screaming Nirvana lyrics and wearing far too much eyeliner. Like, shocking amounts. Today, she’s also (among other things) a researcher of motivation and how it works in us humans. Last Friday, Bestie recommended using positive language to motivate Big Kid, along with other tactics. We have, as yet, not implemented the other tactics. All we’ve done is change our language. Instead of saying, “If you don’t put your shoes on we can’t go to the playground,” we say, “If you put your shoes on, you get to go the playground!” and it works like a freaking magic trick.
We got her a throwing wall. By which I mean a magnetic dartboard (that has a velcro-ball dartboard on the other side). A few years ago, my wife and I figured out that I could manage my rage (more on ADHD and anger here!) better if I had a safe outlet for it, and she got me a dartboard for my birthday. This was revelatory in many ways (detailed in the above linked essay), but mostly in that it provided a safe outlet for my anger and removed all shame from the experience of being angry. Last week, we got Big Kid a dartboard of her own and hung it in her room. This week, we’re practicing using it when she’s mad. Skills, babes, we’re learning life skills.
It’s only Tuesday, as you may have noticed. The week is sure to be long and eventful. I haven’t even mentioned Toddler in this post, although she is also a major part of our Good Days! She is talking up a storm now, speaking in two and three word sentences despite being not yet two-years-old. She has very specific ideas about how we should do things and loves animals. She has the most unbelievably delicious belly-laugh-giggle. I mean, look at this kid.
I’ll keep you posted on how this all shakes out early next week, G-d willing. In the meantime, here are some links. Also — can you answer a quick question for me?
Wishing you all a week of Good Days,
Mikhal
Welcome to the Chaos Palace is about coloring outside society's boring ol' lines.
More specifically, it's about ADHD, parenting, queerness, and Judaism. Subscribe to get new ideas (big and small) about how to expand the boundaries of societal rules. Paying subscribers get updates from my own Chaos Palace, as well as conversations with folks who are whistling their own quirky tune and reported essays — for just $5 a month (or $55 for the year)! The latest of these is an interview with the thoughtful and hilarious Noha Beshir about making time for creativity, deepening one’s faith, and finding community.
And now for some links!
wrote about how the Right has lost the culture war and what space that may open up for change in both domestic and foreign policy. wrote about how the various tropes about women on display at the DNC are very telling about where we are as a society — and where we have work to do. wrote about RFK Jr.’s Many, Many Woes.Back in July, my friend Tamar Glezerman wondered why, if 72% of Israelis want Netanyahu to resign, he was invited to speak before Congress?
speaks about why silencing folks you don’t agree with is bad for democracy. lenz wrote about invisible labor, food policy, and more. Also, she absolutely destroyed Richard Hanania, who completely deserves it.My wife released new music, which I haven’t had a chance to share but it is STUNNING.
This song was created in collaboration with our friend Mischa Abakumova about her experience of home. Visuals by Abakumova, music by my wife.
No, we don’t actually let her climb things that aren’t anchored. Yes, she absolutely tries to do so anyways.