This Week: Figuring Sh*t Out
What is good and bad about, anyway? Plus, links to essays I loved this week.
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Dear fam,
There’s a lot I don’t know. Actually, the older I get the clearer it is to me that the whole project of having your shit figured out is a losing game. The answers you get lead to more questions. When I was 22, I accidentally went to India for a month1 and, among other things, read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance on a 17 hour train ride. I remember being confused by the power of the author’s search for ultimate truth (or “quality”), not understanding how anyone could be driven mad by this search. I was full of Ideals; I thought I understood the difference between Good and Bad. What could possibly be so maddening about this?
The author also goes on for many pages about how hypotheses lead to more hypotheses, birthing endless questions out into the ether. I think I understood this, in an abstract way, at the time. I think I understand both themes more intimately now.
I’m pretty sure there are no absolutes out there. Although, that statement is an absolute, so it’s inherently false. So there are almost no absolutes out there.
See, this is how one spirals, as Phaedrus did in Robert Pirsig’s novel.
The point is, shit cannot truly be figured out. Still, we continue to find answers. I have a hunch that there is true power in accepting the inherent bothness of everything. These days, this has seemed like the only way forward for me. Instead of being driven mad, as Pirsig’s Phaedrus was, I find comfort in laying down this mantle of absolute-seeking, opting for complexity instead of clean delineation of Right and Wrong.
Yesterday, I spoke on the phone to my little sister, who has now been a mom for nine days. She was quite tired and bleary-eyed as she asked me how I knew I was a good mom. “First of all, I don’t,” I said. Also, I reminded her how important it is to recognize there is not such thing. Being a good mom is a moving target, defined completely differently in relation to each human you are parenting. I can’t tell her how to be a good mom to her baby any more than she can tell me how to parent my kids. What’s more, the things my kids needed a few weeks ago are likely no longer relevant — the game is shifting without anyone telling you that it’s happening. You just have to stay sharp and keep trying.
I thought, for example, that being firm with Big Kid and setting clear boundaries was the way to go. Turns out, that boundaries are great for him but he needs softness when they’re set. That’s a whole other way of approaching the challenges, something I wouldn’t have figured out on my own. Baby needs something else, undoubtedly, and we’ll continue to explore what that is as we get to know her more. As she gets to know her more.
What is the right thing to do for each of them? Well, we’re trying to figure that shit out. All the while accepting that it can’t fully be understood.
I had a job interview today. For a job I really want and am equally afraid to get and not to get. During the conversation, I was asked where I saw myself in five years — a pretty standard question for this kind of situation. Nonetheless, it caught me off-guard. I realized, in that moment, I’ve never been in a position to ask myself that question before now. I’ve always been on the move, prepared to be dumped by a job, or a friendship, or a life-style at any moment.
This has not been completely in my mind.
During my 20s I changed jobs every six-months (once quitting on a dime to take the aforementioned trip to the subcontinent). I picked up my life and moved to Boston for college with no plan. Then I picked up my life and moved to New York City with a vague plan to be a songwriter (spoiler: that didn’t happen). The pandemic, of course, upended everything. My life got trashed by postpartum anxiety for a solid 18 months or so.
The idea that I am steady enough to plan for the next five years feels downright radical. I do, however, feel strong enough to say I know who I am and what I want. To be involved in creative work. To be in community with people I love. To be living according to my values. To be an engaged mom. To always learn. To feel alive, motivated. To continue writing words that matter to people.
When I was on that train, reading philosophical ideas about what is Good, I thought I needed to know more than that. Now, I know it’s the big stuff that matters. The details will come. My mother-in-law once told me I don’t need to know everything about the future; if I’m living a life grounded in my truth and values I can rest easy, knowing I’m on the right path.
I think I finally understand what she meant.
This week has been calmer for us at the Chaos Palace. Big Kid is less frustrated at school and at home, more held by his teachers. Big Kid and Baby are fighting for our attention less, instead choosing to conspire to make mischief in various funny ways. We’re still trying not to sweat the small things (as I wrote about last week) and, honestly, it’s working.
Wishing you a Shabbat of soul-nourishment and ease.
Shabbat shalom,
Mikhal
Information About Israel-Palestine
I’m still committed to sharing important resources and information about this. I think, however, the format I began last week (wherein I do this as a separate email) is a more productive way to go about this. To that end, I’ll share a dedicated newsletter early next week with these materials.
What I’m reading
- wrote this essay for her Substack, , called The Menstrual Cycle is NOT a Detox. It somehow made me laugh out loud and also provided useful information to use in the face of wellness influencer nonsense.
- wrote this powerful piece called America is Killing it’s Mothers.
- wrote this important piece about finding meaning outside our society’s narrow expectations for women. It’s called What Was I Made For
- on is the most joyful, wise, beautiful thing you’ll read all week. You can read her words here.
What I’m listening to
When I can’t bear the news anymore:
What I’m writing
I’m continuing to write about less examined aspects of ADHD on the I Am Chaos part of this Substack. This week I wrote about ADHD and Empathy in an essay called I Am a Good Listener. Stay tuned, there’ll be more of these coming up in coming weeks for paid subscribers.
This is a very strange story which is, alas, for another time.
“I do, however, feel strong enough to say I know who I am and what I want. To be involved in creative work. To be in community with people I love. To be living according to my values. To be an engaged mom. To always learn. To feel alive, motivated. To continue writing words that matter to people.” This is pure wisdom and the whole journey. Sending love to you four.