This Week: Just Asking Questions
Why are things the way they are?
Dear fam,
Wow. I’m finally surfacing from under the fog of winter break and making sense of it all… and wow. Are school breaks such an intense experience for other parents? I suspect that, for other parents of neurodivergent kids, the answer is hell yes. As I’ve written about before, the ADHD mind is kind of like one of those vintage cars that needs just the right kind of oil and fuel to run. It’s a delicate machine; one little piece of dust in the wrong place and suddenly smoke rising from under the hood and the whole thing is making clankity-clankity noises.
Once upon a time, my wife and I thought vacations were just lovely times of relaxation and sleeping in, taking the day as it comes. Thinking back on that silly conception of a school break has me wiping a tear from my eye — how naive we once were!
School break requires an extensive strategy, complete with exit ramps and contingency plans for unexpected happenings. You have to be prepared for anything. Cancelled playdate? Pivot. Sudden snow storm? Pivot. You’re improvising, but staying within a framework. Also, be cool about whatever happens to be happening.
This is because, while the ADHD mind is drawn to chaos, it thrives on a certain amount of order. Schedules are great for us (they keep us tethered to reality!) as long as they’re not too rigid (they inhibit our creativity!), so it’s really about hitting that sweet spot.
We entered the break with a detailed plan: Activities for every day marked out on a calendar, a daily schedule posted on the wall, snack ideas, all of it. And you know what? It mostly worked. Big Kid and Toddler had a pretty good break; my wife and I felt pretty good about how things played out.
When the JCC wouldn’t let us in their Chanukkah party1? We pivoted and went to an indoor playground, where Big Kid made a new friend.
When some pals cancelled plans at the last minute? We pivoted and went bowling.
Mostly, we didn’t lose our patience when the kids made giant, insane messes around the house. Sometimes, this meant literally whispering “you can clean up glitter” or “glue is water-based” to myself as a reminder. That helps! And it allows them to explore substances and creative ideas in an uninhibited way without our grown-up anxieties getting in the way.
After all, art is messy. Life is messy. But almost nothing is actually as dire as we think it is; most messes can be cleaned up.
A key tenet of my parenthood philosophy is grounded in the act of asking why. I never want to do something just because that’s how it’s always been done. That is to say, I might end up doing something the way it’s always been done, but that’ll be a conscious decision — not a default2.
Call it disrupting parenthood.
Over the vacation, as I spent many hours with both kids, I really had a chance to see them for who they are for the first time in many months. They’re so young — five and just turned two — that the few months since summertime really means a lot for their unfolding selves. When we’re all wrapped up in the day-to-day of life, there isn’t much chance to sit and experience them. It’s all about rushing from one task to the next: Brush teeth, put on shoes, get out the door. Then it’s tomorrow.
Toddler, in particular, is blossoming into a whole person these days. Over the last month or so, she’s begun speaking in full sentences. She’s always been the kind of kid who knows what she wants and when she wants it3. She can now express that more eloquently, though, and it’s an interesting new window into her character.
One thing I noticed was how specific she is about the things she believes to be true. If I’ve always read her a book in English, for example, I will not be permitted to now begin reading it in Hebrew. She corrects me: “No, Mama. No gezer — carrot.” If I try to brush it off and say gezer again, she points at the carrot on the page and repeats herself until I acquiesce.
This is new to me, as a parent. With Big Kid, the name of the game has always been Rein in the Chaos so it Doesn’t Consume Us4. I’m beginning to understand that, when parenting Toddler, the name of the game is something more like Introduce Chaos to Make it Tolerable or Even Enjoyable.
One of my children needs help navigating her internal mess; one of my children needs help seeing mess as a safe space to inhabit.
I believe that the kids we have are uniquely positioned to challenge us in the most potent ways. Or, put another way, whatever is the thing you’re not dealing with — your kids will make you stare it in the damn face.
Kids are pure id. They want what they want. They fear what they fear. They love what they love. Sure, logic creeps in over time, but in the meanwhile, you see the rawest, purest version of humanity. Ideally, you engage with it. Learn from it. Grow from it.
There are plenty of things that worry me about Big Kid, but I’m not worried that she’ll have trouble breaking out of the boxes society has provided for her. Whatever her path, it’s going to be a creative boundary-defying one. She’ll never have trouble wondering why things are the way they are — that’s an innate gift she has.
For Toddler? I’m not so sure. I think we might need to teach her the value of why. Why don’t we wear superhero capes to the grocery store? Why don’t we change the words of songs just to be silly. Why don’t we dance around for the joy of it?
She’s a kid who places her pacifier in a neat row next to her bottle before taking a dainty bite of a cheese stick. Who cries “Wipe da mouf!” when there’s yogurt on her hand or “Help da chip!” when a chip falls on the floor. She closes cabinet doors and baby-gates.
Of course, being organized is an innate gift, too. One I often wish I had, what with how often I lose my phone and wallet. It’s pretty fascinating to witness these two kids with such opposite gifts. My wife and I often wonder how they’ll influence one another. Will Toddler learn to be more freewheeling because of Big Kid? Will Big Kid ever walk to the door calmly to put on her shoes?
For my part, living with my organized wife for 14 years has certainly taught me some more grounded ways of existing. There’s a note on the door reminding me to take my wallet with me, and another to remind me to lock the door when I leave. My wife, on the other hand, has become more comfortable with my loose interpretation of what time is and going on road trips with little to no plans. Neither of us is good at these things — she will always want to be early, and I left the door fully open when I went to pick up Big Kid from an altercation down the street the other day5 — but we’re softening in one another’s direction.
I think we make one another better.
Part of this grand adventure is getting to excavate parts of ourselves we’d rather not touch. Sometimes, the richest ore is found in the least accessible parts of the soul-mine. So, you grab a buddy and a great set of tools and get to digging. It’s painful as hell but very much worth it when you pull a rare gem out of the muck and hold it up to the light.
I hope we can support our kids as they brave those mucky parts of themselves. It means showing up differently for each one, being different in each instance and day. It means asking why things are the way they are. It means imagining a new and different world. It means trying to work that world into being.
Wishing you a thoughtful and restful Shabbat,
Mikhal
Welcome to the Chaos Palace is the space where I write about ADHD, queerness, Judaism, and how to navigate the mess that is the world. You can support my work by sharing this post with others, subscribing, or just clicking the like button. That makes the algorithm send my words to other folks who might enjoy ‘em. Or just read! That’s huge, too, and very appreciated!
And now for some links…
wrote about how we womenfolks (and, in my opinion, queerfolk) should foment a rebellion, and I’m very here for it. JD Vance won Dingus of the Year! Well-deserved, in my humble opinion. Also, the runner up — The Undecided Voter — is an excellent example of top-notch dingulosity. Thank you for your wit and wisdom
. collected a bunch of Good Queer News from 2024! collected a bunch of Victories for Trans People in 2024!(…but also,
wrote this important article about how Republican lawmakers are making the project of making life worse for trans people a top priority, despite how it is not even close to the top of their voters’ priority list.)In response to the relatively light sentencing the men who defiled Gisele Pelicot received,
wonders what women would do if they saw an unconscious man and what the hell is wrong with the world. Note: It’s particularly baffling to me that this Reuters article makes a point of listing the “difficult childhood” experienced by the men who committed this heinous act as though that could ever be an excuse for raping someone. Just no.My friend Tamar Glezerman, co-founder of Israelis for Peace NYC, asks some important questions about the nature of activism in this video shared on Instagram.
This song by the Secret Sisters is everything:
Booooooo!
This is not always possible, because of life, but it’s a goal!
Now. She wants whatever it is right now.
We need a catchier name, I think.
Sorry, babe! I didn’t notice! It all worked out, though!
Oof, yes, winter break is INTENSE. I took the whole two weeks off and didn't try to multitask with work, and it's STILL so intense. I came up for air today and realized bills were unpaid, emails were unread, invoices to process were piling up. I even forgot to pay myself on the first. Glitter is everywhere, and globs of glue that is NOT water-soluble because the kids wanted to make snow globes (they turned out super cute, but I don't recommend the process). I totally sympathize with Toddler wanting all her ducks in a row. My response to inner chaos is to want the world neatly organized so I can relax in it. No doubt this is why I undertook the daunting project of deep-cleaning my daughter's room during the break. I hauled out a mountain of junk and two outgrown pieces of play furniture, and we turned her closet into a magical doll sanctuary complete with rainbow carpet and twinkle lights. Phew! Now I look at the room and feel like 😎🌈🌴
Thank you for your wonderfully insightful article. As the mom of a big kid and toddler as well it’s so helpful to be reminded of the importance of balancing schedule with flexibility while prioritizing the magic of a moment’s serendipity.