Chaotic Convos #3: WTF is Gender?
Please dive with me into the mess. How do you know what gender you are?
Hey there, everyone!
Welcome to the chaotic conversations, where I bring a topic that’s on my mind and invite all subscribers to chat about it. I’ll be putting up one of these each Tuesday. I’m really looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts and ideas each week!
This chaotic conversation will be free to all subscribers, but soon these threads will be for paid subscribers only because:
I don’t want any trolls ruining the vibes. Yes to conversations that go all over the place and challenge our thinking in mind-opening ways. No to more of the useless shouting that happens all over the internet. Be respectful or be blocked, my pals.
Mediating conversations takes time and, yes, energy. I think these convos are super important. In fact, I think a lot of what is wrong with the world is due to a lack of open-hearted and tough conversations. But I also want (and need) to be compensated for the time it takes to make sure everything in these threads is on the up and up. You get it.
So, let’s talk about gender.
It may not come as a complete surprise to regular readers of the Chaos Palace that I think about gender a lot. I wonder about gender, actually, in both a personal, concrete way and a global, philosophical way. I dream about it sometimes, visions of complicated conversations overtaking my slumbersome self.
I mean, I also surround myself with ideas about gender. I follow some incredible folks across social media who talk about their experiences or showcase the experience of others. I listen to genderful podcasts (like this one) and read books by and about genderific folks (like this and this). I follow social media accounts by and for queer folks (like this and this). I think about what makes gender. Or even if it exists at all.
How do we know what feminine and masculine are? Is it something inherent, or totally made up? What part of me is biology and what part is society and what part is inherently a part of my very fiber? Why do some folks just feel like the gender they were assigned at birth, while others (myself included) feel compelled to pick at their gender all the damn time.
How do we know what gender we are? Do we really know anything, or is it all a part of an ongoing consciousness shift that evolves as we learn about ourselves over the course of a lifetime?
Can a Divine Presence ever hold gender, or is the Divine One beyond all that, encompassing everything everywhere all at once?
Lately, I’ve been having conversations with cisgender1 folks that made me realize some people just don’t obsess about this nearly as much as I do. “Why do you interview so many LGBTQ+ folks?” one person asked me, “Shouldn’t it be more about what they do and not their identity?” Another friend just couldn’t fathom the experience of not feeling aligned with her assigned gender. I spoke with her about the experiences trans folks I know have shared with me — feeling disconnected to their physical forms or seeking a presentation that connects more to how they feel on the inside. But with no personal experience to connect with, my friend2 and I may as well have been speaking different languages.
So, now I turn to you, my Chaotic Community. Please dive with me into the mess. How do you know what gender you are? If you were told at birth that you’re a boy and still feel like a boy (or vice versa) — have you ever given any thought to why you feel that way? If you are also full of genderful wonderings, what do you wonder? Are you seeking definition? Or do you love the feeling of floating around, never stepping into a specific identity?
I’m coming to this conversation with no judgment. Just curiosity. Let’s make this a space of co-exploration.
those who are aligned with the gender they were assigned at birth.
who I love dearly!
I’m a stepparent to teenagers and it’s pretty much impossible to see what they’re going through and wonder what I would be like if I was __ age today. As a teenager I liked my girl body and also REALLY struggled with the stereotypes I saw of Being A Woman. I wonder if I were a teenager today, would I be playing around with pronouns, identifying as genderqueer, etc.
At the same time - figuring out how to be a lady person in ways that I feel good about was such a struggle, and I’m proud of the person I’ve become. They/them doesn’t feel like me. I’ve definitely been in gender-expansive spaces where, when I share my (cis) pronouns, I’ve felt like I’ve gotten the stinkeye as if I’m there on a mission to drag people back onto a heteronormative gender binary when truly, that is the last thing I want for any living being.