I’m a stepparent to teenagers and it’s pretty much impossible to see what they’re going through and wonder what I would be like if I was __ age today. As a teenager I liked my girl body and also REALLY struggled with the stereotypes I saw of Being A Woman. I wonder if I were a teenager today, would I be playing around with pronouns, identifying as genderqueer, etc.
At the same time - figuring out how to be a lady person in ways that I feel good about was such a struggle, and I’m proud of the person I’ve become. They/them doesn’t feel like me. I’ve definitely been in gender-expansive spaces where, when I share my (cis) pronouns, I’ve felt like I’ve gotten the stinkeye as if I’m there on a mission to drag people back onto a heteronormative gender binary when truly, that is the last thing I want for any living being.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm so sorry you've felt the stinkeye in queer spaces. I mean, that makes about as much sense to me as queer people being called out in cis spaces. I really believe that whether one is queer or cis, figuring out how to exist in a body and feel good about it (most of the time) is hard work and should be recognized as such.
And also the part about teens. Wow, wow, WOW do I feel that. I think that's part of my struggle as well. I think if I was a teenager today, I probably *would* be playing around with identities. In the early aughts and late nineties in Jerusalem it most certainly was not an option to do that safely. It still isn't, to be honest. But also, I'm glad to be living in my girl body. But also, Being A Woman doesn't particularly resonate with me. And all of it feels made up?
As someone who struggled with stereotypes, how did you come to decide on/know/embody your womanhood?
Oooh, what a rich question. I think knowing my womanhood was about blocking out the noise and staying connected to myself. I went to grad school in my late 20s after working for a few years. When I was working I definitely struggled figuring out how to be an Adult Woman. Being back in any sort of school connected me to the positive aspects of my high school self and gender expression. Even though I was having a totally new experience in a new city, there were still consistent things that I *knew* about myself. That I’ve made a point to stay connected with once graduating and going back out to work.
I think figuring out how to embody maps back to that time. And to be honest, so did turning 30. My birthday is in June and so the first six months of that calendar year felt like a morbid countdown reminding me that I definitely did not have time to achieve _______________ life milestone that I just assumed I would have gotten to by 30 without actually articulating anything to myself? But then after my birthday.... I was free. I wasn’t married, I hadn’t done whatever else, and now I couldn’t. The pressure was gone. It felt like a gift to have the opportunity to re-assemble my life entirely around things that I want. I got happily slutty like I hadn’t felt comfortable doing when I was single in my 20s. And I really got to connect with MY values and know I was doing what I was doing for myself. I’ve never really felt like I fit in anywhere. So around that time I shifted from trying to be a recognizable ____________ to trying to be the best version of myself. Not, what will make me legible to others, but what will make me feel most confident so I bring my best characteristics to the table.
Also feels worth mentioning, although I’m still not sure exactly how it factors in: I tend to be surrounded by a lot of dudes. Great dude friends throughout my life, I went to law school, I work in tech. I definitely have women friends! But I do spend time in environments where I can relax into my dudely vibes.
“Decide on” being a lady? I’ve always been a feminist. I think I’ve always been able to separate my masculinities from the patriarchy, even when I wasn’t fully articulating those differences. I identified with gay male gender expression a million times more than cis het dudeliness. When I was younger I fell in the trap of mistakenly valuing masculinity over the femininity I was so uncomfortable with, but as I got older and became more skeptical of stereotypical masculinity that was an easy tendency to let go of. I guess I’m now in a place where I can recognize the markers and decide for myself whether or not to apply them. Although I absolutely hate clichéed femininity stuff, nothing will put me in a cold sweat like a bachelorette party or ask to go out dancing. I feel lucky that I can choose how much lady stuff I opt into.
A few months ago I asked a close Black lesbian friend of mine how she saw my gender expression and she replied, “I’m so glad you asked! You’re a stem.” I guess my masculine tendencies are more visible on my inside than my outsides. Funny thing, my chosen life partner is a Big Strong (looking) Man, lifelong jock, who does all the cooking, is super sensitive, and is way more of a romantic than I am (and comfortable with all of those characteristics!).
Ok, so I feel like I resonate with basically everything you're saying. Including the stem part (which I had to look up haha). I hate the cliché femme stuff, but don't resonate with the cliché guy stuff either. I've always had guy friends. When I used to date men, I remember my boyfriend being ashamed of /angry at me for getting along too well with the guys. Which just underlined for me how much I had to hide that side of myself in order to be accepted. Now, after giving birth to a child and being a mom both to him and to the baby my wife just had, I feel free to accept any tendencies. Some days I feel butch-er, some I feel femme-er, although if I'm honest there are a lot more butch days.
I love the idea of just "blocking out the noise and staying connected to myself." There really is SO MUCH noise. I also love that you put "decide" in quotes. I mean, it's an ongoing decision/exploration, I guess.
The back of my brain has been returning to this the last few weeks. I think it matters that I’m in a majority-dude profession bc that makes it easier for me to pick a couple of lady-person signifiers that make me intelligible as such and otherwise kick ass and take names on a daily work basis. I worked for a bridal gown company for just over a year - and I was miserable with all the chick stuff. Of course everyone who knows me immediately thought it was hilarious when I was first hired.
My kind, generous, sensitive husband is 6’4” and has presented as a Big Strong Man since his early teens. When we talk about our experiences I am always struck by how his view of his own Safety is so different from my view of mine. And in the years we’ve been together he’s become a lot more empathetic toward what safety means for a lady person, not in a chivalrous way but putting himself in our shoes.
I guess I hate that Safety is still the Unavoidable Thing? That our safety is not guaranteed if we toe the line, but stomping on the line can make us less safe still?
Woof, I feel that. I feel that in very cis-hetero situations a lot. It's kind of the feeling a puzzle piece from another puzzle must feel when it ends up in the wrong box, if you know what I mean?
....and also I feel this tension in my brain around what is masc and what is femme. Like, I believe clothing has no gender, yes? My two children wear clothes regardless of color and fit and style, regardless of their assigned gender. BUT! plenty queer folks I know, me included, feel affirmed by specifically gendered clothes. My brain has trouble holding both those truths at the same time. Does that resonate at all?
Ok, first of all, I think maybe "confusing rainbow blob" is my new gender :)
All joking aside, though, I think it's so hard to untangle it all. It feels really tangled. I never thought of the word husband before, but now you mention it it's definitely icky. In Hebrew, the word husband literally means "owner," so a lot of hetero folks use the word "man" or "partner" instead. I kind of just want nothing to mean anything so we can make our own meaning. If that makes sense.
I’m a stepparent to teenagers and it’s pretty much impossible to see what they’re going through and wonder what I would be like if I was __ age today. As a teenager I liked my girl body and also REALLY struggled with the stereotypes I saw of Being A Woman. I wonder if I were a teenager today, would I be playing around with pronouns, identifying as genderqueer, etc.
At the same time - figuring out how to be a lady person in ways that I feel good about was such a struggle, and I’m proud of the person I’ve become. They/them doesn’t feel like me. I’ve definitely been in gender-expansive spaces where, when I share my (cis) pronouns, I’ve felt like I’ve gotten the stinkeye as if I’m there on a mission to drag people back onto a heteronormative gender binary when truly, that is the last thing I want for any living being.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm so sorry you've felt the stinkeye in queer spaces. I mean, that makes about as much sense to me as queer people being called out in cis spaces. I really believe that whether one is queer or cis, figuring out how to exist in a body and feel good about it (most of the time) is hard work and should be recognized as such.
And also the part about teens. Wow, wow, WOW do I feel that. I think that's part of my struggle as well. I think if I was a teenager today, I probably *would* be playing around with identities. In the early aughts and late nineties in Jerusalem it most certainly was not an option to do that safely. It still isn't, to be honest. But also, I'm glad to be living in my girl body. But also, Being A Woman doesn't particularly resonate with me. And all of it feels made up?
As someone who struggled with stereotypes, how did you come to decide on/know/embody your womanhood?
Oooh, what a rich question. I think knowing my womanhood was about blocking out the noise and staying connected to myself. I went to grad school in my late 20s after working for a few years. When I was working I definitely struggled figuring out how to be an Adult Woman. Being back in any sort of school connected me to the positive aspects of my high school self and gender expression. Even though I was having a totally new experience in a new city, there were still consistent things that I *knew* about myself. That I’ve made a point to stay connected with once graduating and going back out to work.
I think figuring out how to embody maps back to that time. And to be honest, so did turning 30. My birthday is in June and so the first six months of that calendar year felt like a morbid countdown reminding me that I definitely did not have time to achieve _______________ life milestone that I just assumed I would have gotten to by 30 without actually articulating anything to myself? But then after my birthday.... I was free. I wasn’t married, I hadn’t done whatever else, and now I couldn’t. The pressure was gone. It felt like a gift to have the opportunity to re-assemble my life entirely around things that I want. I got happily slutty like I hadn’t felt comfortable doing when I was single in my 20s. And I really got to connect with MY values and know I was doing what I was doing for myself. I’ve never really felt like I fit in anywhere. So around that time I shifted from trying to be a recognizable ____________ to trying to be the best version of myself. Not, what will make me legible to others, but what will make me feel most confident so I bring my best characteristics to the table.
Also feels worth mentioning, although I’m still not sure exactly how it factors in: I tend to be surrounded by a lot of dudes. Great dude friends throughout my life, I went to law school, I work in tech. I definitely have women friends! But I do spend time in environments where I can relax into my dudely vibes.
“Decide on” being a lady? I’ve always been a feminist. I think I’ve always been able to separate my masculinities from the patriarchy, even when I wasn’t fully articulating those differences. I identified with gay male gender expression a million times more than cis het dudeliness. When I was younger I fell in the trap of mistakenly valuing masculinity over the femininity I was so uncomfortable with, but as I got older and became more skeptical of stereotypical masculinity that was an easy tendency to let go of. I guess I’m now in a place where I can recognize the markers and decide for myself whether or not to apply them. Although I absolutely hate clichéed femininity stuff, nothing will put me in a cold sweat like a bachelorette party or ask to go out dancing. I feel lucky that I can choose how much lady stuff I opt into.
A few months ago I asked a close Black lesbian friend of mine how she saw my gender expression and she replied, “I’m so glad you asked! You’re a stem.” I guess my masculine tendencies are more visible on my inside than my outsides. Funny thing, my chosen life partner is a Big Strong (looking) Man, lifelong jock, who does all the cooking, is super sensitive, and is way more of a romantic than I am (and comfortable with all of those characteristics!).
Ok, so I feel like I resonate with basically everything you're saying. Including the stem part (which I had to look up haha). I hate the cliché femme stuff, but don't resonate with the cliché guy stuff either. I've always had guy friends. When I used to date men, I remember my boyfriend being ashamed of /angry at me for getting along too well with the guys. Which just underlined for me how much I had to hide that side of myself in order to be accepted. Now, after giving birth to a child and being a mom both to him and to the baby my wife just had, I feel free to accept any tendencies. Some days I feel butch-er, some I feel femme-er, although if I'm honest there are a lot more butch days.
I love the idea of just "blocking out the noise and staying connected to myself." There really is SO MUCH noise. I also love that you put "decide" in quotes. I mean, it's an ongoing decision/exploration, I guess.
The back of my brain has been returning to this the last few weeks. I think it matters that I’m in a majority-dude profession bc that makes it easier for me to pick a couple of lady-person signifiers that make me intelligible as such and otherwise kick ass and take names on a daily work basis. I worked for a bridal gown company for just over a year - and I was miserable with all the chick stuff. Of course everyone who knows me immediately thought it was hilarious when I was first hired.
My kind, generous, sensitive husband is 6’4” and has presented as a Big Strong Man since his early teens. When we talk about our experiences I am always struck by how his view of his own Safety is so different from my view of mine. And in the years we’ve been together he’s become a lot more empathetic toward what safety means for a lady person, not in a chivalrous way but putting himself in our shoes.
I guess I hate that Safety is still the Unavoidable Thing? That our safety is not guaranteed if we toe the line, but stomping on the line can make us less safe still?
Woof, I feel that. I feel that in very cis-hetero situations a lot. It's kind of the feeling a puzzle piece from another puzzle must feel when it ends up in the wrong box, if you know what I mean?
....and also I feel this tension in my brain around what is masc and what is femme. Like, I believe clothing has no gender, yes? My two children wear clothes regardless of color and fit and style, regardless of their assigned gender. BUT! plenty queer folks I know, me included, feel affirmed by specifically gendered clothes. My brain has trouble holding both those truths at the same time. Does that resonate at all?
Ok, first of all, I think maybe "confusing rainbow blob" is my new gender :)
All joking aside, though, I think it's so hard to untangle it all. It feels really tangled. I never thought of the word husband before, but now you mention it it's definitely icky. In Hebrew, the word husband literally means "owner," so a lot of hetero folks use the word "man" or "partner" instead. I kind of just want nothing to mean anything so we can make our own meaning. If that makes sense.