This Week: Rainbows on the Walls
Toddler turns two! And the world gets more colorful.
Dear fam,
Last weekend, we celebrated Toddler’s second birthday. She actually only turned two yesterday, but we had a bunch of pals from her daycare and music class over on Shabbat to celebrate early, which meant a house full of toddlers milling around, dancing, generally wreaking joyful havoc in the best way. Big Kid was the Official Big Sister Helper, which meant she was in charge of setting up, making sure kids had snacks, and generally hostess-ing.
It was a rager. There was playdough, and crafts, and cupcakes, and all-you-can-eat fruit snacks. Everything a two-year-old could want.
Celebrating Toddler’s emergence into the world and our lives brings, as many birthdays do, a moment of reflection. Where were we in December of 2022? What has changed since the day Toddler was born?
Wow, folks. So much. Or, as Toddler might say, “Too much, Mama1.”
Two years ago yesterday, I was in the hospital with my wife waiting for our new little one to emerge. My parents were at home with Big Kid, who was (and had been for a while) in a moment of crisis. She’d been having a hard time at school since September, and the situation had gotten steadily worse. In hindsight, she was depressed and anxious; the teachers fundamentally did not understand how to incorporate a neurodivergent child into their space and we did not know how to help her. We didn’t know any of this at the time, just that we kept getting increasingly hysterical text messages telling us (a) our child was out of control! Panic!, and (b) they swear this is the best place for her, gosh they hope they can keep her enrolled. For our sake.
All those statements, as it turns out, were false.
We were terrified she’d get kicked out of school. What would we do with a newborn baby and an out-of-control kid in crisis who has no childcare? How would we manage?
We didn’t know this yet, in the hospital room, but Big Kid would get kicked out the following week, setting off a chain of events that would, through many unbelievably stressful travails, lead us to find her the expansive care she’s getting today to ensure that she thrives. Getting expelled from daycare was, in hindsight, the best thing that could have happened. Over the subsequent six weeks a series of important things happened:
My parents extended their stay until we found Big Kid a new school, underscoring a crucial fact that would help us in the following years: We have the privilege of a strong support system.
We called the New York City Department of Education a million times until they answered the phone. Then, we kept them on the line until they updated her file to say she needed to be in an inclusion classroom — smaller, with a special education professional.
We toured half a dozen schools, eventually meeting the teacher who would wrap her in love for the rest of the school year until her smile came back.
I put my career completely on hold and began taking Big Kid on a million adventures around the city, rediscovering her inherent silliness and joy. She rediscovered it, too.
During that crazy time — with a newborn baby, my wife recovering from giving birth, sleepless nights and midnight feedings, and a Big Kid with boundless energy — we learned that we can handle basically anything. To this day, when my wife or I ask each other, “How are we gonna make this work?” the other one usually says, “Babe. It’s us. Of course we’ll make it work.”
A lot of that confidence comes from the weeks after Toddler was born.
But let’s go back to that hospital room. Amid all this anxiety and worry, we were giddy with excitement about Toddler’s arrival. Her sweetness was already obvious in the ultrasound images, and we just knew we were on the precipice of a grand new adventure. That turned out to be true a million times over.
The thing about having a baby is that the person being born is completely new. You have no idea who they are, what they’ll bring out in you and the other members of the family, how their presence will change dynamics and vibes. Toddler is a whole vibe, fam.
She loves life. She takes immense joy in the deliciousness of, say, a perfect strawberry. She knows the pleasure of sharing a good book (Will Ladybug Hug? is a favorite) and great snuggle. She is best friends with all the animals, always saying hello to birds, squirrels, butterflies, dogs, cats, and any other creature that comes her way. She knows what she wants and when she’s done — when she finishes eating, she hands one of us her plate saying “No, no, no.” And, as I mentioned above, she says clearly when something is too much. She makes the best faces in the world, and sings herself to sleep every night (“Kwinkle, Kwinkle staw. Howawonda awe. Upabove word high. Skyyyyy”) and dances her butt off when we have family dance parties.
We are so much better off with Toddler in the world. Besides just being a goshdarn ray of sunshine, she reminds us to connect with our inner chill, up-for-any-adventure kind of person. Thanks to Toddler, Big Kid is no longer afraid of dogs, has discovered she likes pizza, and try to fall asleep in her room. Conversely, Big Kid has inspired Toddler to swim in the sea, climb a tree (or try, anyway), and learn to count to 20. Watching them love each other is the greatest gift my wife and I receive every day.
This time of year reminds me of how clueless we were back in December of 2022 — and how much more we know now. It’s also a good reminder of how much we still have left to learn. I just learned the other day that Toddler loves the color orange! And we just found out a month ago that Big Kid is amazing at math2!
Every day brings new insights into ourselves and our kids. Witnessing their identities unfold and letting their idiosyncrasies interact with our own quirk — it’s like living in one of those pop-up books that keeps unfolding and unfolding and unfolding. I hope it never ends.
Last week, before the birthday celebrations, we took a few days to completely revamp the kids’ room. That’s when we put the rainbow on the wall. But we also did a whole lot of other stuff — adding ambient lighting, flower decals, and two posters from Tee Public (support indie artists!) of rainbow cats and ocean animals.
This began as an endeavor aimed at helping Big Kid less scared of ghosts and other nighttime scaries — as we’ve explained, ghosts don’t like bright colors, so the more rainbows, the safer you are. But it became something more — a way to make their room really theirs. As we decorated together,3 it felt like we were taking another step into knowing them as people. Last year, when we moved in, we didn’t know enough about Big Kid and Toddler to decorate a room they’d really love. Now, we know they love rainbows, and animals, and oceans, and pretty butterflies. It feels like we’re settling into our identity as a family. And that feels wonderful.
I hope they both feel at home in their new room. I hope they always feel at home in our family. I hope they both always feel home in their own bodies and minds.
I look around the world and see so much hatred and animosity, so many people who are being told they are not right for being who they are. I hope this house can always be a tiny safe haven in the howling wilderness that abounds.
I hope your week is colorful (in a good way),
Mikhal
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And now for some links:
This album by The Secret Sisters is making me swoon on a daily basis.
Are you aware of this Bob Dylan cover by the Indigo Girls? ‘Cause you should be.
Since we’re talking about safe havens today, it seems fitting to share this absolute gem of a song by my unbelievably gifted wife, who never stops amazing me.
Recently, she has said this about Halloween decorations, dinosaurs at the American Museum of Natural History, and a doll I sewed for her. She’s not wrong.
Why does she correct my arithmetic? That’s the real question.
Side note: I do not recommend trying to carefully put a wall decal up with two small children. It’s very stressful.
Love this. Happy birthday to Toddler and wishing you and the whole fam peacefulness and joy.